The Two Sides of the Abuse Coin: Defense or Attack! {PART 2}
Now you know the two characters better, what’s your side of the Abuse coin? I told ya to hold on to your coin for a moment. Did you see your image on any side of the coin?
Either ways, be it the Defense or Attack mode, both aren’t getting the help they need. The first one is in a hideout; a world with a fence without getting help. The second character is out in the world by himself or herself, fighting hard. He or she gets more injuries in the process and doesn’t get help too.
But, did you notice something about the Attack mode that is quite interesting? What if this particular character didn’t only go out to fight for herself alone? What if this character went on to fight for others who were also abused? What if once beaten was a perfect motivation for her to fight for others so they do not experience what he or she went through?
Think for a second, have you seen anyone in your community advocating for an end to rape? I guess your answer is a loud yes! If you have listened to their story, you may realize that they were either victims of rape, or escaped a rape incident. They may also have had a dear one go through the hurt of a rape incident. Now this is exactly what I’m talking about! This is the perfect Attack mode! This person didn’t only come out to fight in isolation or in vengeance, but she fought for the sake of others. He or she did that so people will not to go through what they went through. This is a breakthrough; a healing process indeed.
Abuse is inevitable, no one can escape it. Everywhere, people will always maltreat you, likewise you to others. People will always misuse you, and speak ill to you or about you. Abuse has terrible consequences: it affects the psychological, mental and emotional make-up of a human.
There is nothing so good to say about abuse. But we have to find a way to overcome the consequences, we have to find an escape route. We cannot escape abuse, but we can create our means of getting help. We can create our default health in cases of sudden unexpected abuse. Abuse is something that you cannot expect when it will come. Like a wind, it is everywhere you go.
Back when we were kids, if there was a cold weather, mum would make sure we wore sweaters or pullovers. We had to prevent the cold from getting inside our bodies so we won’t be sick. Abuse can be that bad, you have to get a “Pullover”. Peradventure, you fall sick, it means you must have exposed yourself to the cold. So create that escape route soon enough! You will always know when you’ve been abused. Don’t stop at the knowing, do something about it!
Quick advice, the first thing to overcoming abuse is your VOICE. This is something everyone has not excluding anyone. No matter whatever predicament you may be experiencing, you still have a voice, and the ability to use it! No one and nothing can take away your voice except ignorance and death. Now you know, because I have told you, so ignorance is off the list. It shouldn’t be an excuse. You can read this article because you are alive, so while you are still living, use your voice. You are without excuse!
Did I hear someone just whisper, “What if my voice is not audible enough?” Ohh, I heard that clearly. I will advise you to find the nearest neighbour who has a microphone to amplify your voice! Well, there are some kids most especially, whose voices has been trampled beneath some ugly feet. We can be of help to one another, let’s be their voice. In fact, I am on the lookout, because I really want to be their voice.
If you are going through any form of abuse, find your voice and start talking about the abuse. Don’t hesitate, there is always someone to listen. You cannot take up the defense mode and build a fence around you. You may stay in there for years, and no one would even know you have been behind the fence. So break that fence, come out and fight! Sometimes you fight to a point where people see that you need help. But before you fight, it is wisdom to set up your army. Choose your army first before you go into a battle.
Dear Girl Child, and to every Woman reading this, this paragraph is specially dedicated to you. I know that we are mostly seen as victims in every society. Perhaps, also seen as warriors because our battles are many! But we will choose our fight! You are IMPORTANT AND VERY SPECIAL. Don’t let society and culture break you. Did you see that girl with the bow and arrow? Ohh! you need to scroll up and see it. You are as strong as that girl, and even stronger! No matter whatever state of abuse you have been through, we are in this together. You are my army, and we are going back into the world. No, we are not shutting out! We shall live, and live longer!
I had to pull down the fence I built around me. It was a deliberate choice even though it wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing to do. It took me years to pull down what I took few seconds to build. Yes, it had become a stronghold, which I later learnt that I was a prisoner behind my own bars, and the freedom was in my mind. People couldn’t reach to me, and I couldn’t belong with people too. So I started to get the help I needed by projecting my voice. I knew I had a voice but I wasn’t using it.
I found my voice in ‘Writing and Story Telling‘. Yes, that’s how I talk about the things that matter to me, or I am particularly concerned about. I do not only write and hide it in a shelf. But because I delight in what I write, so I also share it with people to whom I know they’ll also find the help they need.
When you lit a lamp, do you put it under your bed? No! you put it on a candle stand so that it lights up the whole house {Matthew 5:15}.
You still have that coin in your hand right? What are you going to buy with it? What will you like to trade it in for? Don’t forget, Abuse is a coin that can buy LIFE; not to mention peace, time and self-worth! But hold on, you haven’t told me what is your own side of the coin?
I am sure this has been really helpful and you’ll like to share your thoughts. I am open to hear them, and I’m more willing to help you at being better! So don’t go away without leaving some comments. Cheers!
A coin always has two different sides.
Taking a cue from the Nigerian Currency; the One Naira coin has Herbet Macauley on one side and has the logo of the federal government on the other side.
And the writer has been able to use the analogy of a coin in explaining the :two side effect of abuse”: Defense and Attack mode.
The defense mode is negative
While the Attack mode is positive.
Defense mode according to the writer is about “the one who goes to a hideout” after different form of abuses.
Abuse here is not limited to people being insultive which we generalise as “Verbal Abuse” as experienced by the writer.
Abuse varies; sexual abuse, insults.
The defense mode helps create a form of wall, but the recipient of the abuse is dying slowly due to the ‘ability’ to attack.
People in this kind of mode, never see anything good in themselves, so they create a form of barrier, not allowing people step into their space because they will come to a conclusion that everyone coming is coming to plant a seed of abuse.
I love the attack mode. It shows that “I am wounded, but I have to heal! ”
Even though they may get hurt in the reprisal attack, they stay! Knowing that “I will win this battle”
And the attack mode can also be fighting for others that have been abused.
It does not necessarily mean the attacker is the abused. He or she may be overwhelmed with compassion and decides to help the “defenseless ”
In general, what is needed is the VOICE. The defenseless can leverage on someone else’s voice for the amplification of his or her own voice to stand against abuse.
I believe that the shame of what people will say keep many quiet especially when it has to do with sexual abuse but this ought not to be so because the person will not heal and this will hinder the progress of the victim especially when it comes to “Relationship matters”
This for me is one of the valid message of this article:
Abuse is inevitable, no one can escape it. Everywhere, people will always maltreat you, likewise you to others. People will always misuse you, and speak ill to you or about you. Abuse has terrible consequences: it affects the psychological, mental and emotional make-up of a human… we have to find a way to overcome the consequences, we have to find an escape route. We cannot escape abuse, but we can create our means of getting help.
Dear Paul Ilesanmi,
Apologies for not responding to your comment on time. It is such a pleasure to know you got out a valid message from the article. Thank you so much for stopping by, and for carefully writing a review. I appreciate a lot.
Hmmmm… I read through graciously, then I started feeling extremely bad. Because it brought memories I had long forgotten.
I remember being abused. I was 11, I had understood that abuse is not calling people names and insulting. I lived with a family when I was 11. But I became an adult at 11, I’ll do absolutely everything before going to school, not that they didn’t have children o, they had 4, the last born was 7 then: I will wash plates, sweep everywhere, cook breakfast (rice, beans etc) ,attend to the birds in the poultry farm and attend to customers buying water from the borehole. This was the routine everyday. I became a perpetual latecomer and I also got use to the flogging. It meant nothing to me anymore.
A couple of times, I will try to dial my mum and tell her I couldn’t do it anymore. But I couldn’t, there wasn’t nothing to go back home for. I built that fence and box up every thing and made sure no one could actually gain access to me till I grew up.
And the worst happened that made me finally went back home. And glory to God, my mum understood my unsaid words and believe me.
But my life never remained the same.
I kept journals upon journals.
I preferred to write the feelings than ever saying it to anyone.
(long story cut short)
I only learnt to talk to people when I went for my NYSC.
Some people will say that it was a wasted year. But that year is phenomenal to me. Always will be.
Abuse of any kind is dangerous.
And whatever character you’ll portray has consequences.
That was me in the defense mode
The people with the attack mode get injured deeper and deeper and sometimes they do not get a chance to heal and if not careful it can finally get them killed, I mean physical death.
Also people who cannot also handle the defense mode die frequently . Look around you and ask questions about those who had committed suicide.
We should all come to the point where we treat people better anywhere we are.
What I do now is trying to give people the things I couldn’t enjoy at all: such as being a great friend, a confidant, or a 911 etc.
Also, if we are knowledgeable about who we are. We can be firm on our perspectives and thoughts such that no form of abuse can get to us hence not giving room for any of the character building (attack or defense)
We can live above abuses.
Thank you Mmenyene, this is a great one. I enjoyed the read.
Dear Peace Harrison,
Sincere apologies I didn’t respond to you on time. This is one of the best comments I read on this article. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for being bold about it. It means a lot. And of the truth, like you rightly said, “abuse of any kind is dangerous.
And whatever character portrayed has its consequences”. I am glad you enjoyed the read, and more importantly, it gladdens my heart that this was helpful to you. Thank you again!
One thing is to be abused, another thing is the courage to speak out.. The courage to fight abuse and speak out when abused is the biggest issue because the psychological effect of some abuses make is difficult for people who are abused (especially sexually) to speak out.. My advice is for people to summon the courage to speak out with no fear of intimidation when abused because there is no excuse whatsoever for you to be abused by anyone
Dear Obih Munachi Solator,
Thank you so much for stopping by, and taking your time to read my article. I am glad you learnt from it, and yes you are right, people need to summon courage to speak up. Thank you once again.
There are two sides to a coin: Head and Tail. Talking about Abuse, assuming one side of a coin is called Defense and the other, Attack. The former are the set of people who after being abused hide and lock themselves as a result of fear in order not to be hurt again. While the latter are persons who not minding the abuse they experience still fight back, try not to be hurt again. Though the both groups still face same abuse after all. Why? They fight for their personal reasons.
Abuse can be curbed anyways if you and I, people from the two sides of a coin can voice out their pains, join hands together and fight, not minding the kind they faced.
Hi Glory, thank you for your warm feedback on my post. I am glad for the pointers you carefully noted out. Thank you once again.
Hmmmm… Well done Mmene, this a very rich and well thought out article. As you rightly said abuse is almost becoming omnipresent. I may be wrong but maybe 10/10 people go through one form of abuse or the other especially going by the plethora of examples you listed. Thanks for being courageous enough to write about it and attempt to recommend the best form of response to it.
That said, something caught my attention though, close to the end of your article you spoke directly to the girl child, and I do not make light of what the girl child goes through but Mmene the problem with us men is that we are hardly expressive. We don’t get to verbalize our challenges; society has stereotyped us to simply suck it up and “be a man”. But majority of us carry heavy scars from abuses. As I write this, I’m going through the worst abuse of my life from a source you will be shocked if I tell you. So permit me to speak to the boy child…
Dear boy child, please don’t die in silence, speak up. As the writer said “find your voice and start talking about the abuse”. Defense mode won’t work because 100% of the time persistence will always wear out resistance (a persistent abuser will wear out your defenses/resistance. So please act! Not violently but decide to not live under the abuse. Get out of there while you can. If you can’t, don’t be afraid to ask for help. I don’t know if we have an army and I don’t know if you can form one but act all the same. One by one we will be breaking these cycles of abuse and maybe overtime we’ll become an army that will be a succour point for boys/men out there.
Dear Sir, thank you a million times and more for stopping by to read my article. First of all, I do apologize for taking so long to respond. I am impressed by your careful thoughts on this. Speaking from the angle of a man, it is so great to let us know that men also go through abuse. Thank you for pointing us in that direction. It has inspired another article of mine, dedicated to men; a novella which will be published soon. You might want to lookout for it. I am tempted to say you may have won the recharge card for best article review. Thank you once again.
Thanks for lending your voice to this very sensitive issue. While some abusers don’t know that their actions are actually abusive, others are outrightly wicked and want to curse damage. In the same vein, some victims don’t even know that what they’re going through is abuse because they think it is “normal” while others have given up hope of coming out because of their peculiar situation. One thing that keeps victims silent is the notion that they are the cause and should share part of the blame. This is wrong. If more victims know that they won’t be blamed because its not their fault, they’ll speak out more. Thanks again…very insightful
Hi Nosa, it is such a pleasure reading your comment on my post. Apologies it took me a while to respond. Yes, you are absolutely right, “if victims of abuse know that they won’t be blamed because its not their fault, they’ll speak out more”. Thank you for stopping by.